How To Kill A MarySue
by Bitten by a cow
Summary: Basic instructions on killing a MarySue. I will show you three MarySues, and then I will show you the technique of vaporizing them. This contains two other movies besides Jurassic Park.
1. Step 1: Finding The Weakness

How to Kill a Mary-Sue

Step 1:

Finding The Weakness

If you're planning on killing a Mary-Sue, you have to do a few things first. You have to find out their weaknesses(or lack there of), and know where they come from. We have the stories of a few Mary-Sues that we have heard of, and deleted completely. So, after you have thoroughly painted the pigeon...wait, wrong story. Anyway, after you know the Sue's weaknesses, and where they come from, you can just take out an axe and kill them! Buahahaha! Sorry.

Now, you have to know their pasts, stories, and whatnot. So, without delay, we will show you a story about a Mary-Sue.

- - -

Mary-Sue #1

The Beast Tamer

CASOBLINKE

30,000 Miles East of Costa Rica

Raven Hunter walked through her large estate on Casoblinke, and she admired at how good she was at planting gardens. There was a groan from the forest. It was loud, and she could hear the thump-thump-thump of the great animal's stomping. There soon appeared a great head, that of her pet, Kelondriel, the Stegosaurus. She climbed onto the huge beast, and pulled herself over in between the spiked plates. She tapped its back, and it started thump-thumping through the forest.

She sang, she sang a song with such a beautiful voice that all the animals on the island stopped their work so they could hear her. She saw the beautiful valleys and flowers, the trees and the hills, the streams and the birds, so she sang.

_On a moonlit night,_

_The stars are dreaming,_

_And what I see_

_Is a beauty to behold,_

_All the creatures_

_With such might_

_Gorgeous are they seeming._

_I have no work,_

_Yet my beauty is stunning..._

She stopped. She saw one. A great Tyrannosaurus Rex, taller than all the other animals, teeth large and sharp, and claws frightening. Raven jumped off of Kelondriel, and walked up to the huge T-Rex. She sang, without words, to it, and it seemed to be calmed. It picked her up ungently in its huge claws, and held her close to its face. It opened its mouth, and cried out. She climbed onto its face, and pet its snout smoothly. It carried her back to her house, where she played her guitar, and remembered the past.

She had once been a dancer/singer/athelete/gymnast, and it was hard, but fun. She could also shoot good with a bow and arrow, but those weren't used much anymore. She giggled as a parrot landed on the T-Rex's snout, and the huge dinosaur backed away. She walked up to the great beast, and the parrot flew down to her hand. Oh, how much she joyed the fact that animals always loved her and came to her side. She sighed, and


	2. Step 2: Using The Weakness

Okay. We can cut there.

Step 2:

Using The Weakness

So, now you know that she is a gymnast/singer/dancer/way too many other things to keep track of. So, she has a weakness, right? Of course she does! Every character does! Even if they are Mary-Sues. What does it happen to be for a certain Raven Hunter? Empathy. She has way too much empathy. So, she would obviously never beat anything, much less kill anything. Also, she probably has the weakness of bugs or spiders, or sharks, perhaps.

Now, to use the weakness to our advantage! That is the trick we must all learn. But first, we'll tell you another Mary-Sue story.

- - -

Mary-Sue #2

The Seducer

SOME WORLD THAT IS NOT IN THE MILKY WAY

Unknown amount of miles away from Earth

Veran Urnteh walked across the ship pad, hands tied. The men in white armor were pushing her forward into the spaceship. She daintily stepped up the ramp, and saw who was waiting for them. A man in black. He had a mask, and he kept on breathing very ruffly. His black cape fell nearly to the floor, and his black armor shined in the lamplight.

Veran had very fine features, a pretty face, blonde curls, and bright blue eyes. Her skin was white, so white that the whitest paper looked yellow compared to her skin. She wore a stunning blue dress, with green sashes and see-through sleeves. The man in black almost stopped breathing when he saw her.

"Untie her," he said gruffly. The men in white cut her ropes, and she stepped forward boldly.

"What do you want with me?" she asked defiantly.

"I want to have lips," he said passionately, but roughly through his mask. "But, since that is not the case, I will just stare at your dainty features." She smiled at his comment.

"Why do you not remove your mask?" she asked innocently. There was a pause.

"Leave us," he commanded, and the soldiers marched out of the room. The black man removed his mask. There lay an ugly face behind it, scarred and cut, and swollen, and just plain ugly. "Please, forgive my hideousness," he begged in a deep, sickly voice.

"Ugh!" she cried, and slapped him hard on the face. The deformed face. "Never! Your face is dispicable, and I could never live with myself if I kissed it! I am a royal princess, you know," she said, with a cringe on her face. "And I am incredibly smart, beautiful, witty, funny, and cute!" She giggled. The black man winced in disgust. He put his helmet back on. He pulled out a short, but very thick, black pole. What the heck was that thing? It looked familiar, but


	3. Step 3: Using The Weakness cont'd

And we can cut there, too.

Step 3:

Using The Weakness (cont'd)

So, now we've had two stories with Mary-Sues. Now, Varen's weakness: ugly men. That one was pretty obvious. She also probably dislikes peasants, or poor people. So, Raven doens't like sharks, death, or bugs, and Veran dislikes ugly men and peasants. So, we can use these weaknesses to destroy them. That means that we turn the story around to defeat the Mary-Sues! But, there's still another Sue we have to show you first.

Wait. I have to explain something first. You did notice that the first Sue was an animal attracter, and the second Sue was a men attracter, right? Well, even if you didn't, that's okay. So, can you guess what the next will be? Sues are kind of like this, in a pattern.

- - -

Mary-Sue #3

The Child Lover

ENGLAND

Somewhere in Europe

Avren Nuhtre smiled at the small child. He had a bucktooth, but he was very skinny. He was cute, but he looked like he hardly ate anything. She passed by him, to see a fat child with stains of chocolate around his mouth, and a chocolate bar in his hand. The next one was a girl, who had blonde hair, but looked very brave, and looked like she could beat someone to death if she had to. The next was another girl, a brunette, who smiled widely, but had the look of a brat. Avren passed on. The last was a boy, who glared at her, and had brown hair, and matching eyes. His hands twitched as she passed by.

"You're all so adoreable! And he's letting me babysit you while he...gets the place all ready, correct?" she asked, trying to smile at the boy who was glaring at her.

"Yes, ma'am. That's what he told us, anyway," said the bucktoothed boy. He grinned at her happily. "I've never had a babysitter before, ma'am." He walked up to her and smiled. The fat boy marched up to her proudly.

"I'd like it very much if you gave me some chocolate," he said in a German accent. Avren smiled.

"I can arrange that." She looked at the blonde girl. "So, why don't we sit in a circle and talk?" she asked.

"Of course!" they all agreed, except for the brown-haired boy.

"I hate talking circles," he said stubbornly.

"Fine then," Avren said silently.

"I can kick him with my martial art skills, if you want," suggested the blonde girl. Avren had to set her mind to tell the girl not to.

"I don't think that would be a good idea," she said, trying not to be sarcastic. Bucktooth boy sat next to her.

"I think you are a good babysitter." He smiled again.

"So, what do you do?" asked the brunette girl.

"Well, I can play the piano, or so I'm told, but my actual profession is helping children who are mentally challenged." She smiled.

"Is that an insult?" asked the jerk-boy defiantly. Avren sighed. This would be a long hour that she had to babysit. The boy walked over to a big control panel looking thing,


	4. Step 4: Advantages

Don't you love where I cut?

Step 4:

Advantages

So, Avren had the weakness of...can you answer? I'll give you a hint. She disliked which of the children? The jerk, of course! So, she doesn't like jerks, or brats, and usually, children lovers hate snakes. That's the way it is. Don't ask me why, it just is. So, Raven doesn't like bugs, sharks, or death, Veran dislikes ugly, poor, or peasant men, and Avren hates brats and snakes.

Now, we have to devise a plan for their deaths, correct? So, all we have to do is turn the story around. Like this.

- - -

She sighed, and shot up her hand, and the parrot flew away. She walked up to the T-Rex, and was about to pet its leg, but it began to move forward. She gasped! Would her new pet really step on her? No, it wouldn't. She was sure. But she was wrong. In an instant, Raven Hunter was nothing more than a pancake on the jungle floor.

- - -

That's all you have to do. Turn the story around, and kill them just like that. Right. One down, two to go.

- - -

It looked familiar, but Varen didn't quite catch what it was until it was too late. The man in black had clicked a button on the pole, and a red laser-light appeared above it, but only went about three feet. In seconds, Princess Varen Urnteh was laser-ed to pieces.

- - -

See? Isn't it easy? And fun? And...more fun?

- - -

The boy walked over to a big control panel looking thing, and grinned suspiciously.

"Don't touch that!" Avren screamed, but the boy had already flipped a switch. A huge tube slowly inched its way over to them. When it was above Avren, the boy pushed a button, and the tube went down above her. The tube sucked her up, and Avren Nuhtre was never seen again.


	5. Epilogue

Yep. I didn't cut that time.

Epilogue

So, that's basically all you have to do. Find the weakness, turn the story around, and defeat the evil Mary-Sue! So, we have defeated three of the wicked fiends, but there are more, oh, many, many more, my friends. We must defeat them all! Together! Insanity Vs. The Mary-Sues. That would be a great story. Somebody make that. Or I will. Depends on who makes it first. If you do, tell me. I want to read it. Yes, tubes are basically snakes... except in mechanical version...anyway, I hope this guide has helped you in your quest to rid the world of Sues! So, with that being said, I bid you all farewell! Thank you!

A/N: In case you didn't figure it out, the first Mary-Sue was in Jurassic Park, the second one was in Star Wars, and the third was in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I am not making fun of these stories, I am making fun of Mary-Sues. Yeah. Raven Hunter, Varen Urnteh, and Avren Nuhtre are all the same name, just scrambled words. Seriously, Insanity Vs. The Mary-Sues would be a good story. This is the shortest story I've ever written. Yep. Thanks!

-Bitten by a cow

P.S. Reviews would be appriciated! This is my first story like this! Thanks! Smile:) God loves you!


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